Punch Lines

Sarah Silverman: I’m Fucking Matt Damon

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 18:16:56 -0400

Sarah Silverman: I’m Fucking Matt Damon

George Carlin on Stuff

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 18:16:58 -0400

George Carlin on Stuff

juliavickerman: Another snippet from that “Women of Comedy”...

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 20:18:00 -0400

juliavickerman:

Another snippet from that “Women of Comedy” Emmy roundtable. The main topic of conversation is older women in Hollywood and what kind of roles they get offered.

God I love the idea that women are no longer appealing post-35. That is just so neat and not at all bullshit.

“I was almost asked to play Jonah Hill’s mother”

(that is not a punchline, but here are six funny women talking about Hollywood)

"For those of you who don’t know what a platitude is, it’s a platypus with an attitude."

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:18:48 -0400

“For those of you who don’t know what a platitude is, it’s a platypus with an attitude.”

- Michael Ian Black (via happycap)

whiskeyandgoatsmilk: Mitch Hedburg on Dr. Katz Fruit on the...

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 10:02:43 -0400

whiskeyandgoatsmilk:

Mitch Hedburg on Dr. Katz

Fruit on the bottom… hope on top!

I am completely in favor of this!

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:30:12 -0400

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

- Steven Wright

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you..."

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 10:02:47 -0400

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

- Stephen Wright

"Folks, I’m not gonna lie to you, apparently everyone who ever meant anything to anyone passed away..."

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:07:26 -0400

“Folks, I’m not gonna lie to you, apparently everyone who ever meant anything to anyone passed away this weekend.”

- Jon Stewart (via frankthinksyoureugly) (via heavenisforeasygirls)

"I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because..."

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:04:35 -0400

“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because when I tried to walk out, I had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?”

- Mitch Hedberg

"When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run..."

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 10:02:56 -0400

“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, “Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!”

- Mitch Hedberg

"When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was..."

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:05:51 -0400

“When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.”

- Mitch Hedberg

"You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they..."

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:05:45 -0400

“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, “DuFresnes, party of two.” They say again, “DuFresnes, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll just go to the next name, “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they’re hungry! That’s a double whammy! “Bush, search party of three!” You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”

- Mitch Hedberg

"The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and left it. “Sir, you forgot..."

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:04:40 -0400

“The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and left it. “Sir, you forgot this.” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.””

- Mitch Hedberg

"Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?"

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 18:07:52 -0400

“Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?”

- Mitch Hedberg

"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that..."

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 14:07:32 -0400

“I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

- Mitch Hedberg

"I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just..."

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 10:06:40 -0400

“I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying “We don’t have to fix anything.”

- Mitch Hedberg

"Thinking your child is gifted is the exact same impulse as the guy who goes to the strip bar and..."

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 17:50:55 -0400

“Thinking your child is gifted is the exact same impulse as the guy who goes to the strip bar and says, “I think she really likes me! No, dude, I’m serious. I know everybody says it, but I really do think she likes me!” She doesn’t like you. And your kids are dumb.”

- Michael Ian Black (via airport)

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 16:24:57 -0400

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

- Mitch Hedberg

"A hammock is like a giant net for catching lazy people."

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 20:02:46 -0400

“A hammock is like a giant net for catching lazy people.”

- Jim Gaffigan

"For most of us, bowling is the activity that you do after you’ve done everything else."

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 16:02:54 -0400

“For most of us, bowling is the activity that you do after you’ve done everything else.”

- Jim Gaffigan